Inability to Love

I was talking to my friend last night and I had told her that I wasn’t going to start a romantic relationship with anyone until I could be ready to love again. I said that it would be unfair to the other person if I was incapable of putting all of myself into the relationship if I was still badly hurt or broken.

So with that, it got me to thinking again. In a way, it’s a little like what I had mentioned before, the idea of keeping something from someone that could change the relationship. In a way, it’s similar and in a way, it’s not.

From the beginning, Stockton Boy told me that he was still hurt from his last relationship and that he would not be able to give me what I needed in terms of “normal” affection. Stupidly, I told him that I could wait, that I would wait it out and hope that he would someday say the things I so desperately wanted to hear.

And that, was my first mistake. I should have known from the beginning that it was going to be painful for me because I would crave the affection that he couldn’t give, because I would want him to tell me that he loved me and that he wanted to live his life with me. Of course, he didn’t and that’s what essentially broke us apart.

Yes, it was partially my fault because I should have known better, but in a way, I blame him for it too. He knew that he could not give me what I wanted, yet decided to pursue the relationship with me anyway. He should have tried harder to stop. He should have known never to fall for me in the first place. He should have known what he wanted before dragging me along with him. (Remember, I blame him partially.)

Was it really that hard to refrain? Even now, I have the decency to tell someone after a few dates that I’m not ready for a relationship, that I’m not looking for one. I tell him that in the beginning before he gets too wrapped up around me and so he knows where I stand. Was it so difficult for Stockton Boy to do the same?

What would you do? If you knew that your heart was too broken to fully commit into a relationship, what would you do? Would you tell the person and continue to build a relationship, or would you stop the relationship unless the other person was okay with it? Would you try to see if the person could be right for you and hope that this wonderfully amazing person could heal what was broken? Or would you limit yourself and tell the person that you cannot continue unless you two are at an understanding?

There are times when I feel like hating him so much because I feel as if I am a great person (for the most part anyway- and no, this doesn’t stem from conceit). Sure, I have my moments of not dealing with some things right, but overall, if you need a girlfriend, I am a great one. I helped heal what was broken, I spent all my energy and time hoping that I could be the one he could love, but he didn’t. I fixed him so he could go love someone else and that frustrates me; it angers me to feel so used. Yes, that wasn’t his intention, I know, but it’s that feeling of being used that bugs me and sometimes, I just wish that he would have stopped. He shouldn’t have allowed for us to build the relationship we had if he was incapable of loving me, of giving his all to me.

But maybe, he wanted to love me too, but couldn’t. Thinking about it a little more, who’s to say that I won’t do the same? What if I meet some wonderful guy and even though I’m not ready and even though I tell him that, what if he still wants me anyway? And because he’s such a wonderful guy, what if I hope that one day, I could love him, that he could fix me? But I’d be doing exactly what Stockton Boy did, no?

27 thoughts on “Inability to Love

  1. “Would you try to see if the person could be right for you and hope that this wonderfully amazing person could heal what was broken?” Tis what I did. You’re a great person, and a great girlfriend, and that’s why he couldn’t turn you away. Just because he couldn’t be what you wanted, doesn’t mean you weren’t what he wanted, and he was selfish for keeping you. But really, that’s what I did, too. I was still all crazy and heartbroken over the evil ex when hubby came along. We were casual at first, and I even ended things when I went to college, but somehow we ended up together anyway. I suppose he fixed me, cause (most of the time) I’m very loving and great. Though maybe I wasn’t completely fixed cause we do fight a lot over me getting bitchy and unloving. But whatcha gonna do. No one’s perfect and I hope you don’t search for perfection after this experience. I wouldn’t want you to miss out on something great, just because the timing wasn’t right.

  2. Oh Maria, I feel your pain. I’m going to give you some advise that may not make sense to you right now, but I hope you will keep these and when the time is right to follow them or even reflect on them. I hope they will give you a sense of guidance 🙂

    From my experience, the only way to move forward so that you can allow another to love you (the way you deserve to be loved) and have a strong and lasting relationship, is to:

    1. Find yourself – By knowing yourself and being comfortable in your own skin, you will not put that other person on a pedestal and expect him to be your knight in shining armour. Once you are able to do this, you will not look to another person to rescue you, likewise you will not fall for someone so you can rescue them.
    2. Love and respect yourself first – You will be able to define exactly how you want to be loved and respected in a relationship and you will be able to openly convey this to a man who will make you comfortable to express yourself. It’s not asking for Mr. Perfect, it’s about being empowered enough to state and ask what you want from the other person without feeling as though you will lose them.
    3. Forgiveness and conflict resolution – This is difficult and may take some time. I have found to be of help, is by writing a letter. This letter does not have to be sent out to him, rather write a letter addressing it to him and in this letter tell him honestly how you feel, how he made you feel during the relationship, the break up, and after the demise of the relationship. Explain in the letter how you actually wanted to be treated by him, what you expected and what he did to hurt you. This letter will help you to see clearly what actually happened to you while you were in that relationship; it will also help you heal and hopefully to forgive him and yourself for what has happened.

    This is getting too long and I don’t want to harp on…but this difficult time will pass. You may not feel it right now, but time does heal wounds…take care.

  3. Pingback: Daily ramblings of Maria » This Is The End, Finally

  4. Heya,
    I have been in a similar situation before, however mine was not due to heartbreak it was due to cultural clashes so to speak. I told her that it was fine we could work it out… alas we could not even after 12 months.

    But I guess if I was in your same position I would tell the person that I was just not ready to love, I would not want to lead someone on as it would risk too much heartbreak somewhere down the line.

  5. If you’re up front with the situation and how you’re not ready (for whatever reason), then the ball is really in their court too. They can have a say as to whether or not the two of you should proceed, but by no means does that mean you have to, since you are also a judge of whether or not it would be best to wait.

    So to be fair just let them know, and if they’re willing to give it a shot too then go for it. Even if it doesn’t work out in the end, I think that the decision is still valid.

  6. Well I guess it does hard to step back when you’ve already fallen in love with someone, whether you’re ready or not.

    I agree with what Toronto said.. it doesn’t hurt to try, especially if the other end knows that you’re not ready. Although hopefully you are dating a guy who knows when to take a step back when you are feeling a bit uncomfy 🙂

  7. It will hurt but you must forget about him and try to move on. You can’t really choose who will you throw your affection but you have the option to continue the feeling. Love yourself, get back the respect for yourself. As you said you’re a great person and you will definitely find someone, you just need a little bit rest to get back on your feet. Good luck!

  8. I swear I’m not trying to be crude but I found the best thing that healed my heart was to date. Casually, non-exclusively, date several different people – and let them know you’re doing this of course… no need to play games. It was the best medicine for my extremely broken heart. It was fun because all these relationships were new, and new relationships are always so exciting and because there are a few different relationships on the go, you get all the attention you need without seeming needy to any one particular person.

    Of course, this isn’t for everyone… I’m just saying that it was how I managed to heal my own broken heart without waiting for someone to mend it for me.

    I hope you feel better soon. I’m glad you know that you’re a great person because one side effect of a broken heart is feeling like you’re inadequate.

    Also, while I know you feel used by what Stockton boy did… (and I am not trying to defend him at all) I’m pretty sure he didn’t intend to. When you’re broken hearted it’s hard to tell if someone is the one because you’re so desperate to be healed and only once you’re healed can you really see if a particular person is right for you or not. And that’s why I think the dating option is a good way to overcome a broken heart – because you’re less likely to end up in the situation that you are currently in. Though it’s not guaranteed 🙁


  9. Personally, I wouldn’t want to get into a relationship that I wasn’t ready for, but to be honest, I don’t know what I would really do because I haven’t been single for 8 years now. I think if something were to happen between me and my husband where I was single again, I would probably end up hurting someone as he hurt you, although not on purpose. I think that it is ok to tell someone before you start dating that you aren’t ready for a serious relationship, but I wouldn’t expect that person to not fall for you; I mean, that’s what happens when you are dating… if they didn’t like you and want to be with you, they wouldn’t date you.

    I am horrible with this advice stuff… just ignore me!

  10. ahh yes..If only people aren’t so weak to being alone. The guy must have been scared, you see most people would choose to be with someone than deal with the pain alone. Maybe he thought he can learn to love you back in the end. But yeah, he should have chosen a different path. That way, he didn’t have to hurt you.

  11. I wish I could say exactly what I would do. But you’re right, who’s to say you won’t do the same thing? Who’s to say I wouldn’t do the same thing?

    All in all, both of you had a role to play in the breakup. But as much as possible, try to take time off from relationships. You need to heal first. 🙂

  12. I do not think that he was wrong to do what he did, because he did inform you of the situation, therefore it was you not him that did not try hard enough to resist. I got into my current relationship off the back of another relationship, so I explained that a week before I had just got out of a serious relationship and I just wanted fun and the guy said he was fine with that, but over the months we fell in love although I was not looking for it.

    So I would not say you need to avoid relationships as some people are better healers than time and you will recover quicker being with the right person.

  13. The first thing I’d like to say is, it depends on the person whether they’re ready to embark on a new relationship even though they’re brokenhearted or not.

    In my case, and several other’s (and I seriously believe in this philosophy): You can’t fall out of love until you fall back into it. With someone else.

    It takes 2 to tango and the fault is on the both of you, like you said. You should’ve thought about your needs and what you wanted from a relationship and he should have thought about what he was pulling you back into.

    And you can’t say you ‘fixed’ him no matter how great of a girlfriend you were, a broken heart is never mended. Only patched up like a quilt, and you probably weren’t the piece that fitted.

    On getting into other relationships when still hurt from the previous, just follow your gut instincts.

  14. It sounds like both of you have some baggage that needs to be figured out. If you are both willing to stay together through those diferences and work it out, then more power too you. But it might also make more sense to get rid of the things in your way before committing to a serious relationship. Either way, it’s up to you to decide.

    good luck!

  15. @Julie
    That is true. But then again, sometimes timing is key. If the right person came at the wrong time, how would you know? I also believe in the whole fate thing, so even if that happened, then the right person would come back again when it would be the right time.

  16. @Marie
    Thank you for all the lovely points. You’re right. I shouldn’t look to someone to save me and I guess a month ago, that’s how I was feeling. I was feeling really down and helpless, but I see that with time and investing said time in more positive things instead of wallowing, I can grow to be a more positive person. It’s tough sometimes, but I’m getting there.

  17. @Stuart
    That’s what I’m trying to do now. Either because I might want something down the road or just to clear up any confusion as to where I stand.

  18. @Toronto SEO
    Yes, that is a valid point too. I think in many cases, it’s a collaborative effort to figure out what both of you want and are willing to risk.

  19. @Reggy
    Well, a little than a month later and I can tell you that I have been trying to date. It’s a little tough sometimes, but I’m trying.

    I know, it wasn’t his intention. I don’t think it’s every anyone’s intention, but it happened and that’s just one way to look at it, not that I do very often. At least, not anymore.

  20. @Stefanie
    Your advice isn’t bad! I think it makes sense to unintentionally hurt the next person you would try to date in the event that you’d be put in that position. It’s understandable.

  21. @asrai
    It’s hard to be alone. There’s one thing I learned in Social Welfare and that’s the importance of having human relationships, either platonic or romantic relationships. When you’ve got no friends and this wonderful one comes along who happens to be of the sex you’re attracted to, then what else can you do?

  22. @Dizzy
    Yeah, taking some time to cool off or just staying away from serious relationships is something I need.

    I know, we were both at fault for the breakup; it was just a whole mess of things I suppose that I kept turning my eye away from.

  23. It is hard when we give our time and energy hoping they will love us. But you gave away your time and energy, you only have control of your choices and noticing that he was staying at arms length is something you could’ve done for yourself to not waste too much time. Now you know and no amount of fixing ever helps anyone. It is codepdendent. We have to love ourselves first and foremost, others no one we want to be with is right and it won’t be healthy. Self care girlfirend. You will attract a better level when you are better to yourself.

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